hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
