There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
