Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
from now on my penis is your penis
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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