We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Randomize
