You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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