mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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