I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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