This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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