living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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