I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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