hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
