I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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