forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
