So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
