We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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