why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
