Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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