Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Randomize
