I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
