Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
