okay pat passed out under dana's car
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
