Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
