and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
