Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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