I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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