Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
