fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
i think my cat just said my name.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
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