Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
