I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
