I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
