Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
