so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize