yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
