Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
