Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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