She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
