i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
