9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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