Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
