My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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