We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
