If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Randomize
