At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
third nipple confirmed
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
