If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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