Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
