Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
