omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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