Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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