There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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