Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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