Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
