I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
