My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
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