Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
