he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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