dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize