Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
