is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
