When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize