I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Can I color on your dick again?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
