If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
