I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
