apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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