Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
