a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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