so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
