remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
