so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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