I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
