Jerry, you need to find god
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
