I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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