I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
