I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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