my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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